Better days start now...

   Yet again, the sun is shining in my face.  But something clicked.   I moved over to another chair and was out of the suns line of sight.  Duuuhh...  Outside is absolutely beautiful.  It may seem like normal human behavior to everyone oit sidw the box.  But when you are stuck in the box it's a big deal..  To get up, take a shower,  do your hair and makeup.   Basically,  pushing through the sad, hard and empty feeling.  Feeling that catch up with you for old stuff and fears.  Yuckkk.  Choosing to lead better days and make a difference for me. 

From bad to worse

     I alway hear, "o you're a stress eater" or "you're an emotional eater"...  hmmfff..  At least for me, I eat because I have no control over situations.  It is a comfort thing BUT that doesn't excuse my own behavior.   Driving around town or to the Bay Area and knowing that the golden arches is down the way.  I start thinking of my favorite Mac or the thing with jalapeños...  There no stress or lack of control there.  Get real.  I just eat crappy food for the feeling that I get in that moment.
     I thought yesterday was a bad day.  Someone I tried to forgive for their wrong doing just let me down again.  I get home and everything just fell apart.  My husband made a wonderful dinner and I barely touched. It.  I felt bad but I was so scared and upset that I felt like I was going to puke.  Later I ate a danish,  which usually settles craving for the obvious reasons. But it didn't.  I just went to sleep.  Something has to get better sometime.

The sun in my face...

     Wow, the sun is really in my face.  The days here have been as gloomy as I've been feeling.  Yesterday I was talking with my husband and discussing how I've been feeling,  physically. I've gained 20lbs in 4 months.   That's huge!!!  Especially since it took me 7 year to gain 25 after we first met.
     I know everything that I'm doing wrong. I don't eat right, at all.  I haven't been exercising,  at all. I don't get enough sleep.  This is not just effecting my weight.  I've been allowing it to effect me and my family.   The most important thing I have in my life.  It would be one thing if it was just me.   But my poor babies don't get out, don't get to run around and explore.  And my older monsters get a half a$$ mom. :/
     It seems as if I've been waiting for me to get motivated.   But why? Why should I wait? Am I anything less than I want for my kids? No! Of course not..  I always tell my boys.  "With every choice there's a sacrifice and/or consequence" and "No one can change you but you"..
     I'm not waiting anymore.  No one's force feeding me or holding me down.   It's just me.

What's wrong with my face

     I'm sitting here at the table with the sunrise peeking at me over the trees.  It should be a beautiful morning for me but for some reason it's not.   I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I was quite shocked.   I thought I was just getting through life and people see me as a nice person.   I don't look like a nice person.   My eyes are tired and mouth was frowning.   I took a picture of myself to make sure I was seeing what I really saw.  I'm not a happy person.   I feel worn down.  I've been moving sluggishly.   I do a handful of sit ups (my version) every once in a while.  As if I'm really trying. I make a change.   I'm not doing anything, really.   I'm not even fouling myself.   I've gain about 20lbs since February.   There's no justification for it.  To tell you the truth, I love food but I don't enjoy eating.
     I'm tired. I feel it throughout my body.   I'm ready.