Not just another day. It's the beginning.

     Today isn't just another day, it's the beginning.  "The beginning of what", you ask?  It's the beginning to the rest of my life before I died of a ripe old healthy age.
     There has been too many moments that I said to myself that I need to do better for myself.  I need to be the best mom and lrovider that I can.  I need to be a better wife.  I need to be...  I need to be me.  That is what I need.  I have been doing everything I could for my family and house (apartment) and I forgot about myself.  Being healthy for me, finding my space for me and just being happy with myself.  I'm not in the greastest of health and that scars me.  I don't want to die young. I don't want to be sick or to hurt.  I want to run and play with my kids and lift my future grandkids in the air.
     I went to my Dr. At the end of last year seeking information for a gastric bypass.  I wasn't scared and no one sent me there.  I got so much information on all the procedures, process, pros and cons.  I got all the information that I felt I could get to make an i formed decision.  But then I waited.  I don't know why. I just did.  Here we are in April now and I haven't done anythi g either way.  I've  given myself 3 months to really make a decision on something.  Either get off my butt and do something about my health or have the procedure.
     Today, I got a gym membership. Now I have to show up and work on me.  For me of course.

Better days start now...

   Yet again, the sun is shining in my face.  But something clicked.   I moved over to another chair and was out of the suns line of sight.  Duuuhh...  Outside is absolutely beautiful.  It may seem like normal human behavior to everyone oit sidw the box.  But when you are stuck in the box it's a big deal..  To get up, take a shower,  do your hair and makeup.   Basically,  pushing through the sad, hard and empty feeling.  Feeling that catch up with you for old stuff and fears.  Yuckkk.  Choosing to lead better days and make a difference for me. 

From bad to worse

     I alway hear, "o you're a stress eater" or "you're an emotional eater"...  hmmfff..  At least for me, I eat because I have no control over situations.  It is a comfort thing BUT that doesn't excuse my own behavior.   Driving around town or to the Bay Area and knowing that the golden arches is down the way.  I start thinking of my favorite Mac or the thing with jalapeños...  There no stress or lack of control there.  Get real.  I just eat crappy food for the feeling that I get in that moment.
     I thought yesterday was a bad day.  Someone I tried to forgive for their wrong doing just let me down again.  I get home and everything just fell apart.  My husband made a wonderful dinner and I barely touched. It.  I felt bad but I was so scared and upset that I felt like I was going to puke.  Later I ate a danish,  which usually settles craving for the obvious reasons. But it didn't.  I just went to sleep.  Something has to get better sometime.

The sun in my face...

     Wow, the sun is really in my face.  The days here have been as gloomy as I've been feeling.  Yesterday I was talking with my husband and discussing how I've been feeling,  physically. I've gained 20lbs in 4 months.   That's huge!!!  Especially since it took me 7 year to gain 25 after we first met.
     I know everything that I'm doing wrong. I don't eat right, at all.  I haven't been exercising,  at all. I don't get enough sleep.  This is not just effecting my weight.  I've been allowing it to effect me and my family.   The most important thing I have in my life.  It would be one thing if it was just me.   But my poor babies don't get out, don't get to run around and explore.  And my older monsters get a half a$$ mom. :/
     It seems as if I've been waiting for me to get motivated.   But why? Why should I wait? Am I anything less than I want for my kids? No! Of course not..  I always tell my boys.  "With every choice there's a sacrifice and/or consequence" and "No one can change you but you"..
     I'm not waiting anymore.  No one's force feeding me or holding me down.   It's just me.

What's wrong with my face

     I'm sitting here at the table with the sunrise peeking at me over the trees.  It should be a beautiful morning for me but for some reason it's not.   I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I was quite shocked.   I thought I was just getting through life and people see me as a nice person.   I don't look like a nice person.   My eyes are tired and mouth was frowning.   I took a picture of myself to make sure I was seeing what I really saw.  I'm not a happy person.   I feel worn down.  I've been moving sluggishly.   I do a handful of sit ups (my version) every once in a while.  As if I'm really trying. I make a change.   I'm not doing anything, really.   I'm not even fouling myself.   I've gain about 20lbs since February.   There's no justification for it.  To tell you the truth, I love food but I don't enjoy eating.
     I'm tired. I feel it throughout my body.   I'm ready.

Mastering the messy kitchen.

     One of the most obvious things in my house is my family. It's not often that you or anyone in fact comes across a family with 6 children. Not only 6 kids but 6 boys. Ine of the first questions that I get a lot is "how do you do it?"  I'm assuming they mean everything. Cooking, laundry, appointments. The works. I just hold a smile and nod. What can I say. It takes work. A lot of practice, pracrice practice. I dont have a doctrine in parenting or household science but I do have a Masters in Messy.

     Everyday always starts out fresh. No matter what. There are so many terms that can describe a mom. Cook, personal cheer team, alarm clock etc. For me, I am a of Master Messy. Thats just fine with me. My babies and husband love me.

     After a good cleaning session this weekend I'm back to cooking. I bbq ed yesterday for the firstime and it was fun. Today, I was slow roasting red bell peppers. 4 halved with olive oil, salt n pepper with an onion. I also roasted a whole chicken with bacon. Yes, I said bacon. But I will make up for it by not adding a heavy creamer or butter to the pepper soup. It was too yummy to not share. Drool.

Unlike any other day

     Today is unlike any other day.  Well, any normal day in my house.  This week end really put us through some trials that I think helped ground us and made us appreciate even more the people around us and the things we have.  Fist our car broke down.  funnnny as heck.  we didn't get to fix it until yesterday. I walked to the grocery store(which saddened my husband). The walk back was a lot harder for me then I though it would be and yes I over did it.  I stressed the baby out big time.  my hubby fixed the car yesterday while I cleaned it out.  That was enough to cause some momma and baby problems for me and was told to go to the ER.  Once again I'm here, for the first time with this pregnancy but I'm not with my boys at home which is the hardest thing for me.  I missed out hugging them good Night and telling them good morning.....  I'm still waiting to have tests done this morning to find out for sure whats going on.  My two Nurses are so nice.  they made me a super plush bed with Lots and lots of pillows and warm blankets because i was so sad last night having to stay and missing my boys.  truthfully it may be their routine to do this but they didn't give me that impression at all.  I'll update later.